As long as civilization has existed, there have been those civilization excluded. Looking down their noses at those uncultured oafs scrounging a rude existence outside the city walls, it wasn't ten newly established minutes before some civilized somebody was using their newly established powers of storytelling to reimagine those crude strangers as mighty heroes. Heroes freed from the bonds of propriety, noble savages erupting with nature's innate vitality, their only weakness the corrupting influences of cooked food, animal domestication, and semi-regular baths.

Comic books had no defense against these barbarian attacks, and even a decade or so past their early 1970s heyday, you could find sword-slashing, axe-hacking medieval maniacs defying both the rules of polite society and the Comics Code here and there on the racks of your local castle keep, isolated monastery, or comic book shop. And today we have one of those barbaric tales!


Nope, I wasn't kidding, the name of the comic is actually Barbaric Tales, starring three guys who are approximately 93% armor.


Nope, they aren't going to work any harder on a name for this story starring three warriors, they're just going with the first thing that came into their heads. Anyway, these three warriors here, they're all polished up and they are just about to assault Great Value Castle Greyskull, home of the evil sorceress Tempra, Mistress of The Poster Paint.


So! As our Weather Goddess can see in her pool of vision - or maybe just by looking out the window - Tempra now knows she faces the mightest warriors in all the land of... well, there's a Greek guy and a Vandal and I'm assuming a hippie. I'm gonna say San Francisco.


A demon sent to slow their pursuit! Worry not, Vandal, Areclese has seen every episode of "Aaahh!!! Real Monsters" on Nickelodeon, and he knows this guy is a pushover!


Areclese is left to battle the monster, protected only by his Cylon helmet and his football pads. Good luck Areclese!


"Here you be your greatness"? Well, oracles are known for their divination skills, not their grammar.


It's hard getten past Kracka Boom, the great new breakfast cereal that explodes your tableware! Kracka Boom! Part of this balanced breakfast.


All right! Get ready for five hours of improvisational jamming, long noodly guitar solos, two, count 'em, two drummers, and don't worry about being so high you can't remember anything, because you'll be able to buy the soundboard tape in a month or so.


Those zombies are apparently about to get a groping they'll never forget!


I did not expect a sword zombie to so clearly express the duality of mind and body so succinctly, but I guess lying around in the grave for decades really sharpens the intellect.


How can a door open with anticipation, mysterious or otherwise? Doors don't have feelings! And why is this guy just now realizing that he might have needed a military force more substantial than a Greek guy and some mountain dude?


This evil sorceress certainly has a superb imagination not to use, which for by a thing is definitely to arrive!


FINALLY a sentence beginning with the exhortation "Ho! Warrior!" I was beginning to wonder if this really was sword slashing swashbuckling Dark Ages Europe times!


Well, we aren't in sword slashing swashbuckling Dark Ages Europe times. We're definitely in the 1980s.


So much for the ninjas! They're defeated in one time-saving slash that ends in the popular sword-fighting stance of "bending down so your head fits inside the panel border."


Covered in metal? Walking through a thunderstorm towards a weather goddess? This was bound to happen eventually!


"Oh no! She's hot!"


Not really sure if a Vandal would be wearing a medallion of a Greek goddess, since Vandals were Arian Christians. I'm also not sure if the spelling has ever been "Orbe."


Only true goodness can destroy the Orbe! Doesn't Vandal here have a kitten or a puppy or a sad-eyed orphan handy?


Mooncloud here demonstrating exactly how not to handle the naked blade of a sword, but then again, they're all going to burn afterwards, so what's a few cuts?


Arecles (or Areclese as he was known earlier) destroys the Orbe, just as the caption's mention of a "short circuit" destroys whatever fantasy world Dungeons & Dragons vibe this comic still had. Which, admittedly, wasn't much.


It didn't seem like a sign of true goodness - but wait! Look again! The truest most goodness of all! What is it? The Girl Scout Cookies emblem? A picture of a freshly-baked pie cooling on a windowsill? The logo of the Milk Council? A Trader Joe's sign? The Buc-ees mascot? It's Buc-ees, gotta be.


No, you sinners, it was JESUS, the orbe was destroyed by the sign of the cross, just like vampires and that loudmouth atheist guy you went to college with who would never shut up about how much disgust he had for religion until some actual religious people showed up and he got real quiet. JESUS is what this Barbaric Tale is all about! Now go forth, and blast kingdoms with magic lightning no more.

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