Ladies, it's a jungle out there! Maybe you're stalking your prey in offices, or tracking them down amongst friends and acquaintances, or perhaps going to college to get your MRS degree. Whatever method you use, landing a man is of paramount importance! But what happens when that landable man wants nothing to do with you? Why, you should spend years pining away for him, just like the star of today's story!


Wow! Other men don't have one-tenth of what Harry has? Sounds like Harry is, uh, maybe Harry's, um... maybe Harry is a freak of nature, is what I'm saying. Expecting other men to measure up is just asking for disappointment.


At first, Jayne enjoyed a carefree 1950s teenager lifestyle, including drive in movies, real cool pop jalops, and hopefully some corrective eye surgery.


It was all teenage fun and games, until a glamorous small town amateur golf instructor walked onto the country club green - and into her heart!


Jayne would love to go to a grown-up party with this thrilling older man, provided she finishes her shift at Subway first. It looks like she's wearing what a Subway employee uniform would look like in 1960, is what I'm saying. I know Subway wasn't around then, stop with the emails already


This story is set back in the days when teenagers were awestruck and impressed with adults, as opposed to now, when teenagers would rather DIE IN A FIRE than be seen crossing the street with anyone older than 22.


Careful Harry! Could be that Chris Hansen and the 'To Catch A Predator' crew are just on the other side of that door!!


"Please Mother! Can't you see I'm posing dramatically in my Suffering Ensemble?"


Harry's no cradle-snatcher! He's just a cradle golf instructor and occasional cradle escort to grown-up parties, and that's all!


The only way to forget Harry is to move to New York and let a wide variety of men show her all the excitement New York City has to offer, like fine dining, water sports, and apparently trail riding with what I assume are the famous cowboys of Central Park.

We'll continue our story after this important message!


Your fella makes a passing inconseqential remark? Whatever you do, don't use that as an excuse for adopting a confusing whirlwind of severe emotional changes that turn you into a man-repelling pain in the ass. Remember gals - men dislike schizophrenia! And now, back to our story.


Uh oh, the clock is ticking on Jayne's marriageable years! Maybe this Paul Winters guy can cheer her up with a drink and a front row table to watch two gals sing the "Hello My Darlin'" song made popular by Warner Brothers cartoons. I'm pretty sure that's what's going on, anyway.


Paul tries the old "out of gas" line, and it works? This one's a keeper, buddy!


"And furthermore, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm carrying a torch for this girl who's still hung up on some slick goof she went on one single date with five years ago. Who's nuttier, me or her?"


Sure, Paul's spent three years on a gal that won't let him go all the way... down the aisle, I mean. On the other hand, he got a lot of swell picnic lunches out of the deal!


Been a rough seven or eight years for old Harry here, hasn't it? Losing his hair, gaining weight, always being handed the wrong club. Just a nightmare.


Be honest Jayne, are you going to the dance tonight to find out the truth behind this henpecked greaser? Maybe you're going to the dance tonight just to laugh at him some more. Which is perfectly understandable.


"HICK?" This slur on the intelligence and wisdom of one of the leading citizens of the bustling metropolis of Plainview Indiana will not stand!


So here's a bit of that casual groping and assaulting we've all come to associate with "the good old days" back when "things were swell" if you were a "small town romeo" who got some "well-deserved slaps."


Three years of fruitless picnic dates must have honed Paul's emotional-state detectors to such a sensitive degree that they can percieve Jayne's distress from across hundreds of miles!


That's a hell of a "meet the parents" to handwave past. "Hi, you don't know me, but I've been dating your daughter for three years back in New York City, and I followed her here across four states, or maybe three states and part of Canada depending on the route I took, which depends on where Plainview is, anyway here I am, has Jayne been mauled by that small town romeo yet? I need to time my entrance just right!"


And just like that, a terrible fixation is replaced by the kind of full-body ecstasy we can only hint at in a code-approved comic. Now get the hell out of Plainview, you two!

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